The Rugby Tour Is Not All It Seems

Words: Joe Martin

With seventeen players signed up for the tour, and only five needed to play, Old Fations’ Rugby Club chairmen Johno (Jon Blintiff) is confident that his team can embark on a successful ‘spiritual journey’, ‘where the only thing that touches your lips is alcohol’.

Camaraderie aside, Johno is offering to make essential repairs to the clubhouse free of charge, on the conditions that his team play one pivotal match of 5-a-side beach rugby in Spain’s Magaluf. He doesn’t care whether the match is against Aliens, children or pensioners, as long as the fateful game of his beloved sport takes place. The play successfully conveys the importance of comradeship and brotherhood within team sports, but also the importance of keeping up appearances. The chairman points out that noble traditions within rugby, such as ‘drinking, singing and not going home’ are dying out and must be restored, but they cannot be justified without the the righteous game of Rugby itself. However, Johno’s unfortunate bout of gout continues to flare up, which obviously ensures he is unable to play himself. Thankfully, his valiant squad of reliable characters, including Stumpy, Rusty, quick-fire and Mr Gillter to name a few, are unlikely to let him down. After all, the British are known for exemplary behaviour in Spanish hotspots such as Magaluf.

Jokes are aplenty, writer and director James Ogg’s numerous female cameo roles, namely a frisky member of airport staff, an air hostess and a disgruntled Spanish pool attendant, provide countless laughs. He sets the standard for a high level of comedy acting that’s consistent throughout the play. There’s an array of stereotypes within the core of the team to revel in, Turk (Kris Hitchen) is often forced to play under a different name due to being banned, most recently for a sporting spot of fingering. His role within the team is to provide strength that equals five players, meaning the Old Fations cannot afford to play without him. Zig Zag (Edd Bower) appropriately comments on prejudices towards homosexuality within male sports, humorously stating being gay isn’t contagious and you can’t ‘catch it from showering together.’ It’s valid social commentary, and it has the audience in stitches.

Amid the constant eruptions of laughter in the audience, the tale of privately educated Gippy (Kris MacJames) and his darker experiences playing rugby at school eventually become more apparent. Although a saddening past comes to light, it emphasizes the importance of friendship and support that being in a sports team can provide. Atypical of much Northern humour, the play manages to touch on a more serious topic, without detracting from the overall humour. Meanwhile, Polish Pete (Brian Madden) is keen to point out that ‘not everyone who has an accent in Britain is Polish’.

When travelling abroad in a group of people, be that five or fifteen, half the battle is to ensure they actually make it on to the aeroplane. The majority of Old Fations board the flight, but some soon find themselves regretting it. ‘Slime’ for example, has been summoned home after a picture of his tattooed nether regions emerges on Facebook. He had only informed his wife he was popping out to ASDA. The ‘Brits abroad’ theme is unavoidable, as the team go in search of the same cheap beer they drink by the gallon at home. They spend their day being abusive to local street-sellers, but by night time they’re dressed head-to-toe in comedy sunglasses and anything that flashes. The effects of cheap spirits, hidden in a ridiculously sized bucket with a thousand straws, soon become apparent. The core of the team become baffled by the colour of their bodily fluids, detailing their bleak situations in enough detail to ensure the audience soon feel the same way.

In times of total slapstick stupidity, much of the script is delivered with stern conviction, something that’s not always easy to pull off, especially in front of a capacity crowd who seemingly relate to every joke. It wouldn’t be a fair review without also mentioning the numerous occasions in which the cast break into song, most notably during ‘tampon factory’ where they sing about the woes of working in such a place. Not only do the songs take you directly to any clubhouse in the UK, they also epitomize the general importance of friendship that The Rugby Tour conveys. During a heart-to-heart chat, Gippy informs Johno that ‘amid all that’s chaotic, dangerous and stupid, there is a strange sense of safeness’. The play neatly quashes many prejudices of the past within sport, painting a realistic picture of the strong bonds of friendship that can be formed. The characterisation is strong and well thought out, enough to ensure you soon become well acquainted with Johno, Turk, Gippy, Zig Zag and Polish Pete. The play is side-splittingly funny in parts, but also carries a strong message that many will no doubt relate to. As well as the sheer enjoyment and rapport, sports teams can offer all round support and friendship when needed. The Ruby Tour comes highly recommended.